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Julie set aside her plate, fighting
an urge to hurl it at the kitchen window. Everything had been so
perfect before the accident. Why did this have to happen? They were
good people. They didn’t deserve...
Hell. She forced her mind to go blank.
That kind of thinking got her nowhere. And she knew it.
The accident was reality. Ben’s
injury was reality, too. Now, deal with it, Julie. You’re
the mother here. So why couldn't she say the right things, do
the right things, to make this family whole again?
"I've been thinking, Julie."
She’d almost forgotten Russell
was still in the room. "Yes?"
"This family needs a change."
Caution made her speak slowly. “What
do you mean?”
When her husband didn’t answer
right away, she kept going. “If you’re suggesting a holiday,
I've been wondering if we might squeeze in a week at Saltspring
now that Ben's therapy is finished and before school starts. Any
chance you could get away?" She knew he was already busy preparing
for the fall session.
Russell drummed his fingers on the
table. Despite his academic position, he had hands that looked like
they could actually do something. Tighten a valve, unclog a sink,
change the oil in a car.
"We always go to Saltspring,"
he said.
Well, of course. They had a cottage
on the ocean. Why wouldn't they go to Saltspring? "What kind
of holiday did you have in mind?"
"I wasn't thinking in terms
of a holiday. I’m proposing a real change--something permanent.”
Oh no. She didn’t like the sound
of this. What she needed--what they all needed--was a return to
normal. Not change. Especially not permanent change.
Watching Russell, she experienced
the disorientating sensation of observing a stranger. She had absolutely
no idea what he was thinking right now. When was the last time
they’d talked--really talked--about something other than Ben?
Actually, they didn’t even talk
about Ben anymore. She hated seeing the strain on her husband’s
face when she admitted her deepest fears. So she did her best to
keep them to herself. If Russell had any anxieties of his own, she’d
never heard them. Was he protecting her? Or maybe his ingrained
optimism protected him from imagining the worst. Nothing got Russell
down. Apparently not even the near-death of his son.
She struggled to keep resentment
out of her voice. “You sound like you have something specific
in mind.”
"I do. I think we need to move."
She froze, thinking she couldn’t
have heard correctly. “Russell?”
“I know how much you love this
house. And you’ve done a beautiful job with it. But I think
we’re in a rut.”
“Russell, this house is perfect--and
I’m not talking about the bloody furniture or the color on
the walls for heaven’s sake."
“But--“
“We’re close to Ben's school,
and his friends... And what about the ten thousand we just spent
on landscaping?”
She considered Russell’s long
commute to work. "Do you want to move closer to the University,
is that it?"
"No. Farther. Much farther." Russell cleared his plate,
and Ben's, from the table. Hunching his lean, large-boned frame
over the sink, he rinsed them for the dishwasher.
Julie sat, waiting for him to tell
her exactly what he had in mind. Finally, he returned to the table.
Gripping the back of his chair, his chest expanded as he took a
fortifying breath.
"This may sound like it's coming
out of the blue. Actually, I've been tossing around the idea for
years now. Ben's accident is only the catalyst."
Cold dread pinned Julie to her chair.
Years, Russell had said. And yet until this moment, he’d
never even hinted he wasn’t happy living here.
"I'd like us to move back to
Chatsworth."
Her nervous tension snapped on a
burst of surprise, then outrage. "You can't be serious."
Russell had been born and raised
in Chatsworth, Saskatchewan. The small prairie town was lucky to
boast five hundred citizens at most. Usually Russell and Ben went
by themselves to visit Russell's parents, but Julie had tagged along
often enough to know exactly what life in that small town would
offer her and her son.
Nothing.
Russell couldn't be serious.
"If you and Ben would like to
go visit your folks, that would be fine with me."
"I'm not talking about a visit."
Russell pushed away from the chair and strode to the window. "I
know I should have discussed this with you but I've--I've tendered
my resignation at the University."
"You've quit?" If
he'd slapped her on the face, she couldn't have been more stunned.
"I think our family needs something
different, Julie. Something slow-paced and more meaningful. This
city is sucking it out of us."
"Sucking what out of
us?" He wasn't making any sense. Vancouver was one of the most
beautiful cities in the world. Russell had worked hard to become
a full professor at UBC. And working at West Coast Homes
was a dream come true for her.
"The happiness, the spontaneity,
the...the joy."
This was too much. Getting out of
her chair, she gave it a hard shove over the tile floor. She advanced
on Russell, her voice angry but very quiet. "How the hell are
we supposed to be feeling any joy right now. Our son was
in a coma for five days. He almost died."
"Well thanks for the news flash.
But I've got an update for you. Our son is alive. And did
you see his face at the dinner table tonight? He's floundering,
Julie. We've got to save him."
She covered her mouth. Yes, poor
Ben was floundering. Trust the English professor to come up with
just the perfect word.
"And you think moving to Chatsworth
is going to help?" She knew she sounded scornful, but how couldn't
she? Russell's idea was preposterous.
"I do. And so do my parents."
Oh, no. Now he was dragging in Betty
and Larry Matthew, two of the very biggest reasons she'd rather
move to the Arctic Circle than Chatsworth Saskatchewan.
"You've talked to your parents
about this?"
"Actually, they brought up the
idea. Apparently the woman who used to teach grade five at the elementary
school is moving--her husband wants to go to law school in Saskatoon.
They’ve put their house up for sale. It’s small, but lake-front,
and only blocks from the school."
Slowly this was sinking in. Russell
had quit his job. He'd found a new job, a new house. "You mean
this. You really want to move to Chatsworth..."
He put a hand on her shoulder. "I
know I’m asking a lot of you, Julie. I realize you love our
house and your career... But this way you could afford to stay home
for a while."
She'd never wanted to stay home.
When they’d discussed having Ben they’d both agreed on
a nanny for the first five years, then daycare once he started school
fulltime. "What about the cottage?"
"We can keep the place in Saltspring.
Come back for holidays."
But this wasn't how their life was
supposed to be! They'd planned everything, before they'd married.
Worked out every detail. And in less than ten years it had come
together for them. They had it all, exactly what they'd wanted.
"We need to slow down our lives
and enjoy each other more. Family has to be our focus now, Julie."
And it wasn't before?
In her stomach, she felt the familiar
burning of guilt. If only... Were there any more bitter words in
the English language?
 She
wanted her life back, exactly as it had been. But maybe she
didn’t deserve that. She knew Russell didn’t blame her
for Ben’s accident. Such a thing would never even occur to
him.
But maybe he should. She did.
And Ben? Did he blame her, too? Julie
couldn't answer that one. Because Ben suffered from retrograde amnesia--not
at all uncommon according to Dr. Assad. Their son couldn't remember
anything that had happened the day of the accident. Probably he
never would.
END OF EXCERPT. LIKE IT? ORDER
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(3-04-03)
